Fear: A Confession About My Current State Of Mind
Updated: Aug 4, 2020
I’m going to share some personal truth with you. A truth I would normally keep to myself and just deal with. However, I was reminded of a message I got a few months ago, from someone who thought my life and my journey was always ‘perfect’.
The message made me realize I am prone to keep my troubles to myself and put on a sunny positive face, regardless of the circumstances. In reality, I sometimes struggle.
Yes, I am annoyingly optimistic as a general rule, but I am also human. Bad stuff happens to me, I don’t always say or do the right thing, I suck at conflict so I avoid it, and I often hide my problems/troubles because I don’t want to seem like I’m complaining. (though I do occasionally vent to people close to me)
The truth about my day today? I am sitting in Starbucks panicked about leaving for Flagstaff this weekend. I am actually drowning in fear.
My Fear Explained
I’m going to be 100% honest with you. If the triple digit temps weren’t starting tomorrow, I might not leave yet. The weather is forcing me to face my fears.
There are 3 reasons for my fear:
I’ve started having driver anxiety. I find myself worried about my attentiveness to traffic lights, pedestrians, other drivers, etc. I am acutely aware of the very human capacity for making mistakes. It scares me to think I could hurt myself or someone else in this 1/2 ton vehicle. At moments it can be paralyzing.
The general driving fear provokes a new and unfamiliar fear of driving in new places. This upsets me – a lot. I live for exploring new places and having new experiences. Having a fear of driving somewhere unfamiliar is my worst nightmare.
I am worried about finding work. My last position ended a week before the accident. Since the accident, I’ve spent all my reserve money on accident related things. I am told I will get most of that money back, but that assurance is followed by ‘eventually’. Eventually doesn’t help me right now. What if I can’t find another remote position right away and there is no work I am able to do in Flagstaff?
Working Through The Fear
There it is. I am scared to go to Flagstaff, but I don’t have much of a choice since the van isn’t livable (for Basil or me) at these temperatures. It’s the closest place I can go to escape the heat.
I’m being forced to face my fears in the next 24 hours and I’m anxious. In a weird way, I’m glad. Who knows how long I would put off leaving and simply choose not to deal with it?
It’s not like I’m going somewhere awful. Both LaVonne and Blaize have sent supportive messages with Flagstaff tips and have both assured me how wonderful it is. And my parents LOVE Flagstaff… and my friend Katy raves about it all the time… and… and… and…
Considering my primary fears are location and financial, it’s pretty ideal. I am tied to the PHX area through late summer because of The Monster (who is MUCH better), and the accident, so it kind of works out)
The only way to get over the driving fear is to drive. The only way to get over the fear of driving in a new place is to drive in a new place. Both of these fears are normal after an accident. It’s worse for some and not so bad for others.
My Dad used to tell me that recognizing you have an issue is the first step in overcoming it. (This was around the same time in the 80’s that he gave me a copy of I’m OK, You’re OK) 😛
While my fears are overwhelming at the moment, I have no doubt I will overcome them. 🙂
I’m a big fan of meditation – I find it helpful to resolve most psychological blocks (at least for me). When I’m feeling particularly overwhelmed, I meditate while reciting positive/affirming statements. If I am able to focus without interruption, it almost always stops my brain from hyper-focusing on the fear.
In the depths of my heart and soul, I am an explorer and adventurer. Nothing can change that unless I allow it and I am not going to allow it.
Job And Financial
The financial and job situation is a little more daunting, but not insurmountable. Being broke sucks and waiting for a first paycheck sucks more. The faster I can find work the better off I will be. I plan to continue my search for a permanent full-time remote job but will continue to take any freelance opportunities that might come my way (though that avenue has been dry lately.
I am also looking at jobs in Flagstaff I can take for the time I will be there. I’m already exploring Craigslist and Indeed for local opportunities I can jump right in to. I’m feeling confident I’ll find something within my first few weeks if I stay focused. I haven’t seen much available for my skill set, but what a great opportunity to try something new!
In the next few months, I will have most of the money back I’ve paid out because of the accident. I’m confident I will have settled into a nice remote job by then as well. At a minimum, I think I’ll have a decent plan worked out for moving forward.
So that’s it. The next time you hear from me I will be in Flagstaff. I’m a little nervous, but I’m going. Wish me luck and send me lots of good energy!!